This past Sunday I walked into my closet with a big decision to make. Do I wear the shoes or not? Now those who know me well can attest that I am not at all about fashion. I’m stuck somewhere in the 1980s in the land of argyle & cardigans. And my decision had nothing to do with fashion and all to do with if the short heels were worth it. See I’m vertically challenged and it is hard to see over those who aren’t- making it difficult to see the stage at church. So there I stood in my closet, contemplating the decision of wear the heels for 2 hours and enjoy seeing what is going on in exchange for physical pain that will set me back for days. This is just one of the many decisions I now have to make since being diagnosed with Still’s. Life as I once knew, it no longer exists. The struggle is real. Every morning the struggle bus pulls up to my side of the bed, welcoming me aboard. I don’t want to board it and I’ve worked really hard to spend limited time on it. But some days I just have to take a seat, and I promise you it’s usually in the front seat because it takes too much strength to walk to the back.

Now I don’t want you to feel sorry for me or think I’m complaining because I’m not. I just think it is important to raise awareness about what it is really like living with a chronic illness in the arthritis family. Arthritis is usually very misunderstood. I myself thought it was just joint pain and something you got in your senior years. But it isn’t. Arthritis does not discriminate based on age and it is way more than joint pain. It can turn your life and that of the ones you love upside down. So, yes, the struggle is real every day and that blessed bus pulls right on up; however, every day I make the choice to not let it define me.

Every day I fight. I fight with prayer. I fight with “life hacks” that simplify daily tasks. I fight with worship. I fight with scripture. I fight with silence. I am faced with struggles, but I am not the struggles. I have been attacked with Still’s, but I am not Still’s. I am Pam Duke. I am a wife, a mom, a daughter, a friend. I am someone who loves the beach but now has to limit my sunshine exposure. I am someone whose best friend has become a small laundry basket to help me carry items up and down the stairs to limit my trips up and down, saving my knees. I am a lover of music, who when I can’t sleep due to pain, pops in my earbuds to have Crowder, Gokey, Mercy Me and Daigle get me through the night. I’m someone who loves to help and take care of others, who now has to accept letting others help me. I am a Survivor. I am an Overcomer. I am a Child of God. I am Christ’s Beloved. He alone defines me and gives me the strength I need for each day to do what He has for me.

 In my fight I have found myself clinging to Psalms 62:5 which says, “Find rest, Oh my Soul in God alone; my hope comes from him.” What a comfort. I can draw near to God and let it all go. Let go of the fear. Let go of the worry. Let go of the control. I can pull my chair right up to Him, sit in silence and place all my trust in Him. I find that it is in the times that I do this is when I have the strength to face the struggles of the day. God brings purpose to the pain. He has a plan for my life. He calls me to trust. He calls me to be a Sitter in Silence.

So, come on struggle bus. I welcome you. Drive right on up to my side of the bed and open the door. I’m not scared of you because I know that My God is way bigger than anything you have for me.

And for those wondering, yes I wore the shoes  . . . and this time the pain was worth it.