Today my son may play his very last baseball game of his career and all I can think is “this wasn’t how it was supposed to end.” I’m heart broken. I’m sad. I’m angry. And really it just isn’t about the baseball either, it’s the events that have played out this week. And if I’m being honest, it’s the events that have played out in my life for the past year and a half. But the baseball is what has me up early this morning, holding back tears and trying to not let the watermelon sized lump in my throat choke me.  Disappointment, well disappointment is running through my veins, causing an emotional, aching pain that I know only God can heal, yet I struggle.  

 I struggle because I cannot make sense of our world right now. The lens I am looking through isn’t rose colored today. In fact, it is quite cynical, mixed with a whole lot of sadness, anger and a small touch of hope. I wish the hope was more than a small touch, but it is all I have. Some personal things have happened this week that have gotten me here. It feels like the world has gone completely topsy-turvy mad. Schools are shut down. Grocery stores have been wiped clean. People are scared. Social Media is filled with everyone’s expert opinions on politics and healthcare. It’s also filled with post of people experiencing great loss and pain. People are hurting. I’m hurting. In a week’s time the sky has fallen . . . or has it? Was Chicken Little right?

While sorting out all my feelings, God met them with His Truth. He reminded me that He knows exactly how I feel. Remember the Garden of Eden? Remember why I had Noah build the ark? Remember David?  Remember why I sent my One and Only Son? Oh, God knows exactly how I feel. He knows it better than anyone. He understands the disappointment, the heartache and the pain. And as I sit in these thoughts, my pinhole of hope starts to grow. See, God reminded me that Satan didn’t have the final say in the Garden of Eden. Satan didn’t have the final say when God flooded the earth. Satan didn’t have the say when David strayed. Satan didn’t have the final say when Jesus was nailed to the cross. God did and still does. God will have the final say when it is all said and done. In that I can place my hope.

 As I am reminded of these truths 2 Corinthians 4:7-9 comes to mind, “But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.  We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair;  persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.” Right now, I feel hard pressed on every side. Life is harder than it was. Things are different when I was finally getting use to my new normal. Now, my son’s senior year of high school will have a very different ending than expected. Now, I’m home bound once again, when I had just started getting the stamina to get out and participate in life. Now, one virus has changed all our lives. Yes, I feel hard pressed, maybe you do too, BUT, God has me. He is where my hope comes from and where I place my trust. It is His power that carries me through these times and gives me the strength to not quit.

I am so glad He has me during these times of heartache and disappointments. I wouldn’t want it any other way.