It finally happened. I cracked. Day 57 of quarantine and I snapped. It was inevitable. Seriously, fifty-seven days wears on a person. I can only begin to imagine how Noah and his family felt being held up in an ark with stinky animals, while bouncing up and down along the ocean waters. That’s a weight loss program in the making, you feel me? Animal odor, no showers, sea sickness . . .  hey, maybe even a new idea for Survivor. Come live on a ship, where the smell is bad, sea sickness abounds and toilet paper does not, food is limited, and absolutely no connection with the outside world. And if you get voted off the ark, well you walk the plank my friend. Seriously, I think I would have cracked way before Day 57 if I had been on that ark, but in Quarantine 2020, Day 57 was my cracking day. What really frustrated me is I had been doing well. I had settled nicely into my “quarantine normal” and my Stills disease was behaving. Then Day 57 happened.

 On Day 57 I could not sleep and really, sleep had evaded me for a week. The prior week I wound up with an infection that required me to take the antibiotic Cipiro.  Cipiro was a necessary evil. I needed it for the infection, but I was required to stop taking one of my Stills’ medications due to an adverse drug interaction. For the infection to get better, I had to risk a flare-up with my Stills. Great options, right? To add salt in the wound, a major side effect of the antibiotic was muscle fatigue, weakness and pain, because that wasn’t already an issue for me. The first couple of days of being sick I slept okay, but then the joint and muscle pain set up shop.  I was hoping once I was able to start back my normal medicines, I would rebound quickly, and get back to walking for exercise and feeling good. However, on the night of Day 57, my legs had a different plan. I couldn’t get comfortable and nothing touched the pain. After lying in the bed for an hour, with no relief, I grabbed my earbuds to listen to my “can’t sleep” playlist. My husband happened to be watching TV in the bedroom and as I grabbed my earbuds, he said he could turn the TV off. I told him, it was fine, he didn’t need to turn the TV off. He repeated that he could and then turned it off. That’s when I snapped. Makes no sense, he was being kind and thoughtful and I jumped down his throat. It irritated me that he turned the TV off. The TV wasn’t the problem, the excruciating pain in my legs was, and I just wanted him to understand that. Which he would have, if I had told him, but up until that point, I had chosen to suffer in silence.

How about you? Do times exists when you suffer in silence? Maybe it isn’t physical pain, maybe it is hurt that lies deep within your heart that you can’t put into words. Maybe you feel like no one will understand, you feel alone. Maybe you feel completely overwhelmed or crippled with fear. Maybe anxiety has you in its tight grip. Maybe you feel like you will be a burden to others. I can empathize. For me living with a chronic illness is difficult. I don’t want to burden others so I try to keep how I’m feeling, physically and emotionally, to myself. What I do know, and have learned, is I don’t have to suffer in silence. That is why on Day 57, I grabbed my earbuds. See, my “can’t sleep” playlist is comprised of songs that speak to God’s faithfulness, love, comfort, peace and help. When I cannot sleep, I go out on the couch, listen to my music and spend time with God. He knows. He understands. He wants to help. I know this because  numerous verses in The Bible speak to God being our helper and I have experienced his help.  

 One of my favorite Psalms says, “I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. He will not let your foot be moved; He who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, He who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord is your keeper.” What a comfort! The Creator of our Universe, who doesn’t sleep, is my keeper and my helper. No matter what I am suffering through, no matter the time of day or night, God is here for me. I don’t have to suffer in silence, He is always available and willing to listen, all I need to do is draw near to Him. He will do the same for you. My dear friend, I don’t know what is weighing heavy on your heart right now, but God does. He hears your cries. He knows your pain. He sees your suffering. The good news is, He is here for you. He is your help, your keeper. You don’t have to suffer in silence. Take your hurt. Take your pain. Take your burdens. Take your fear. Take your anxiety,. Take your worries. Take the “what’s keeping you up at night” and cast them all on The Lord. He will give you the help you need because He cares for you! How awesome is that? 

And for those, who might be wondering, I am now on Day 67 of Quarantine and haven’t re-cracked, well, as of yet 😉 

“Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7

“Cast your cares on The Lord and He will sustain you;” Psalm 55:22

 “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.” Psalm 46:1