This summer Jeff & I started early morning walks. I cherish this time, just the two of us, actually a glimpse into our very, near future of being empty nesters. Some days we walk and don’t say much yet other days we, or should I say me, are solving the world’s problems. This summer is the 2-year mark of my diagnosis of Adult OnSet Stills Disease and the 1-year mark of my healthcare career coming to a screeching halt. We actually talked about this today on our walk. I was at the peak of my career, finally doing what I loved and then it was gone. Being diagnosed with Stills was a hard pill to swallow. I didn’t ask for the disease. I didn’t cause the disease. I didn’t want it! Stills brought about an enormous amount of loss in my life, and on the occasion, I slip back into grieving what was lost. Today was one of those days.

I miss my career. Not so much the traveling, the office politics, hotels and living out of a suitcase, but the good things that came with my job. I miss meeting new people, honestly, I just miss people. I miss helping others, especially my healthcare colleagues. I miss facilitating trainings that help companies improve their culture. I miss talking patient experience with those, who are as passionate about it as me. I miss my work friends. Let’s be real, I miss my paycheck too. But I mostly miss all the things I could do prior to Stills. The walking up and down stairs with ease. Running and intense workouts. Not having to rest to make it through the day. Not having to pick between what to do or not do because I don’t have the needed stamina for both. Picking up a 50 lb. bag of dog food, just one of the many things I cannot physical do anymore that I used to take for granted. I even miss wearing high heels, and I never thought I’d miss those.

Maybe you can relate? Maybe you are experiencing loss. Loss of a job. Loss of a loved one. Loss of your health. Loss of a relationship. Maybe you grieve for life before the pandemic of 2020 hit. Whatever the loss, God can make beauty for ashes. He will bring purpose to our pain. God wants to redeem us, our pain, our grief. He wants to heal our broken heart.  Through our suffering and pain, he provides true hope.  I trust God’s promise in Jeremiah that “His plans are to prosper me, not harm me, to give me a hope and a future.”  I am encouraged by His words in Isaiah that he will “give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness.” I believe Romans 8:28 “that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” It is when I shift my focus on God rather than wallowing in what I have lost, I am able to see the goodness of God and the blessings that have come out of my loss. Two years ago, I couldn’t get in and out of the bed without assistance. Now I spend my mornings walking 2 miles with my husband, eating breakfast together and sharing a devotion, time I didn’t have with him prior to Stills because I was traveling. After my career ended, God brought me Stills Magnolia, which is beginning to take root and grow. I’m happier. In fact, just last night my youngest told me it is noticeable how much happier I have been over the last year. My husband reminds me often that I am helping people; it just looks different now. I’m able to volunteer my time in ways I couldn’t while working. I have been able to nurture and grow friendships that were lacking my attention. I have more time to spend with my family, who are the most important people in my sphere of influence. Currently, one of my favorite blessings is being able to go sit and visit weekly with my dad on his front porch. I love this time with him. It takes me back to my childhood summer nights at my grandparents, sitting out on their carport in rocking chairs visiting while eating homegrown watermelon. Sweet times and time well spent, you can’t put a price tag on it, and in the end, these are the moments that truly matter in life. Most of all, I have grown deeper in my personal relationship with Jesus, which is what gets me through my moments of grief. God has provided me with an abundant life,  full of blessings that I don’t have to look far to see, I just have to refocus my vision when it gets blurry.

My friend, I don’t know your past or current circumstances. Maybe you are experiencing great loss right now. Maybe you are coming out of a loss. Whatever your circumstances may be, my prayer is that you will trust God with them, with your life. He is our ever-present help in times of suffering and trouble. He can take your loss, your grief and turn it into something beautiful. Would you trust him today to do that?

He makes beauty from ashes, this I know.