A few weeks ago, I was asked to participate in a panel to discuss “How to “In Joy” the Holidays”.  I was specifically asked to speak about how to deal with the struggles of the difficult “someone” during the holidays. Now, I am not a professional counselor or an expert by any stretch of the imagination. I am a major work in progress, but as I think about how difficult this year has been in combination with how very tight most of us our wound these days, I thought it might be good to share some insights on how I deal with that person, who stands right on your last nerve and proceeds to jump on it during the holidays. 

We probably all have a “Cousin Eddie” in our family or friend group, honestly may have more than one. And if someone doesn’t instantly come to mind when you hear the question, who is your “Cousin Eddie” . . .  you may want to consider, it might be you. The truth is we are all probably a “Cousin Eddie” to someone. And if you have no idea what I mean by “Cousin Eddie”, you really need to expand your Christmas movie watching and take in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation 😉 Seriously all joking aside, (and nothing but love for those out there who are named Eddie and are cousins to people, as one of my dearest friends, who is a really great person is named Eddie), whether during the holidays or in day-to-day life, we have a someone, who we find hard to be around. Maybe it is someone who always has to One Up You? You know the one, anything you can do I can do better person. Or maybe it is someone with very different political views than you. Or maybe it is someone who lost their filter somewhere between birth and starting to talk?

So, what do we do when faced with spending time with our “Cousin Eddie?”

First, Eat Your P’s : Prayer and Positivity. Prior to the time you will get together, prepare with spending time in prayer and focusing on the good qualities of your “Cousin Eddie.” We are often quick to point out what we think is wrong with others that we forget that they are fearfully and wonderfully made! (Psalm 139:14) Each of us have good things to offer, let’s focus on those.

Second, serve yourself some Scripture Supper. Find a Bible verse or two that you can focus on and recall when you are struggling during your time together.  For me, I am working on Psalm 141:3 “Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; Keep watch over the door of my lips.” Probably pretty self-explanatory, but I am asking God to help me keep my mouth shut and not say anything hurtful or unwise.

Third, Filter everything you say and do through the Lens of Love. Remember Love is Action! “Do everything in love.” (1 Corinthians 16:14) 

Which using love as our filter leads me to Bears & Buttons. We have all heard the sayings, “Don’t poke the Bear” and “Don’t push buttons.” For some, it is so tempting to push someone’s buttons or just say a little small something, to get that jab in to poke the bear, but just don’t. Resist the urge! I know some people find their entertainment this way, which is a whole other blog, but for the sake of everyone, please stay away from hot topics that you know will make others upset.  1 Thessalonians 5:11 instructs us to “encourage one another and build each other up.”  It is difficult to be encouraging and build another up when we are purposely doing and saying things to hurt and upset others. You can also help to not poke the bear and to not push buttons by setting your “Eddie Expectations”.  What I mean by that is set the expectations that you aren’t going to discuss certain topics that your family and/or friends know is going to start fights, disagreements or hurt others. This all takes great wisdom and discernment. If you are struggling with this, I would invite you to ask God to give you wisdom. We are told in James 1:5 that if you ask for wisdom, God will give it generously without finding fault.

Some other tactical tips to consider are what I refer to as  Listen & Limits and T-N-T (Tap Out and Table It) First, so many of us do not truly listen. When someone else is talking, we are thinking about what we want to say not allowing ourselves to truly hear the heart of the other person. James 1:19 tells us to be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger. Maybe this year work on your listening skills. I think it is also important to know your limits and set your boundaries. You may not be able to be around your “Cousin Eddie” for more than 15 minutes at a time. This is where your Tap Out comes into play. In my family, my husband knows who my Cousin Eddie is and when I need him to come tap me out. What that means is he will have a very specific reason to come get me and help me take a break from my time with “Cousin Eddie.” It also means he may take over spending time with “Cousin Eddie.” If you do find yourself unable of being able to be tapped out and the conversation goes in a direction you are not comfortable having, then table it. It is 100% a-okay to table a conversation. I love the saying just because someone invites you to the table doesn’t mean you have to pull up a chair. If you do not know how to table a conversation or don’t feel comfortable here are some examples of what to say: “I really would like to discuss this when we have more time. Could we set up a time for a call or to meet for lunch so we can go deeper on this subject?” or “I’d really like to discuss this but right now I need to go ________ (fill in the blank with whatever you need to do go) let’s come back to this at another time. Another option might be “I’d really like to discuss this once I do some research so I can know more about the topic before discussing.” And last, it is okay to say, “I don’t feel this is the appropriate time to discuss this.” Remember to “Let your speech always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so that you will know how you should respond to each person.” Colossians 4:6

Last, with the impending holidays I want to leave you with some final thoughts. As you interact with that someone who is your “Cousin Eddie” ask yourself, if being right is more important than the relationship? Do I value them more than being right? Honestly, is being right really worth dying on the sword for the brief time you will spend with that person during the holidays? Ephesians 4:2 reminds us to “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.  And that person who you find difficult, Jesus loves them too! The same Jesus that died for you, died for them, “But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8) They are His Beloved! He has a plan for their life! He made them in his image! They are a Child of The King! 

So, as you enter the holiday season ask yourself, what experience do you want to create for others? What do you want to be said of you by others on their car ride home? And remember you may be the only picture of a Christian life your family and friends see.

Now go watch National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation or at least the trailer 🙂