It has been a while since I have shared my writings but seeing as yesterday was Mother’s Day, this one feels right to share. This particular piece I wrote at the beginning of this year when my baby boy moved off to college. I hope you enjoy it. And to all the moms out there who stumble upon this, Thank you! Thank you for all you do – the sleepless nights, the silent tears you cry that no one sees, the countless lunches you make, the daily sacrifices, and the thousands of mom things you do that often go unnoticed, but you do them anyways. I know it gets hard and you want to throw in the towel at times, but don’t, one day you won’t have those mom things to do and I promise you, you will miss them. Crazy I know, but you will. This Empty Nester sure does.

 Last Thursday I joined the ranks of The Empty Nesters. I wasn’t excited about becoming part of this club and even though I thought I had prepared myself, my heart told me a different story. When our first born left the house, it was painful. Excruciating to be exact. We took her to another state, moved her into a shoe box of a room and left her to fly on her own. I remember that day like it was yesterday. We spent every second we were allowed, unpacking, sorting, arranging and decorating her room before we headed to the parent goodbye event. (Oh, and the too many to count runs to Target, Walmart and Lowes, can’t forget to mention those. ) The goodbye event came to a quick close and it was time, time to leave my first born, baby girl to fly on her own. Oh, that goodbye hug! I held tight and didn’t want to let go because I knew she’d never truly ever be home again. My heart was conflicted, happy and broken all at the same time. I couldn’t breathe as we walked away from her and the tears flowed. We had prepared her for this very moment, and she was ready, but I wasn’t. I seriously cried off and on the whole drive home. The good news is I did eventually stop crying and started the recovery process of leaving my baby girl to spread her wings.  Over her freshman year and the years to follow, I discovered each time she came home for a visit and left, it became a little easier, a little less painful. But if I am being honest, the easy didn’t really happen till her sophomore year, that Freshman year was brutal on this momma’s heart. Yes, today, I still stand in the driveway, wave and blow kisses until I can no longer see the taillights of her car every time she leaves, but that’s just what momma’s do.

And just when I had finally become a recovering partial empty nester, the time had come for the last baby to fly the nest. Ugh . . .

However, moving the baby to college looked and felt a little bit different. First, he is just 10 miles down the road. Yes, I know that is not far at all and really most would consider him not gone, but I’d tell you 10 miles might as well be a thousand. Second, he packed nothing. We went from 2 cars packed to the brim when we moved our oldest to a duffle bag of clothes, a mini frig, shoes, a tv, a comforter, laptop, backpack and monitors. I think my husband and the baby got everything to his dorm room in 2 trips, meaning one car ride over and 2 trips from his room to the cars to unload. Now, his dorm room, well it left a lot to be desired. All the furniture was metal, and no dresser was provided for his clothes. The heat had been turned off, so it was freezing cold and it didn’t help it was a sad, overcast, and drizzly kind of a day. The weather perfectly reflected how I felt on the inside. I think it took maybe 30 minutes to get him moved into his dorm, no all-day event here. No huge welcome event, no decorating his prison cell like room and no parent send-off. The whole thing was very anticlimactic. We asked him multiple times if we could go get a dresser and other items for his room, but he said he was good and could go get what he needed later. We did make his bed, because again, that’s what momma’s do, then took the obligatory college freshman move in pictures and that was it. My baby was ready to fly on his own and I hated it. I didn’t want to leave him in that ugly room, but I did. I hugged him . . .  tight, whispered I love you and choked back the tears. This wasn’t how I had envisioned his move in day, and it wasn’t what I wanted but I had to remember this wasn’t about me, it was about him. He was ready and he wanted to learn to be on his own. He was happy, he would be okay and that had to be enough for me. As we headed out the door, I looked back and reminded him to always lock his door and be careful, you know, all the non-sense momisms we say that are really quite stupid but make us feel better.  He just smiled and said, “I will momma.”  And like that Jeff and I were empty nesters. I cried the whole way home. My heart was once again happy and broken all at the same time but as I stated before, this time it was very different. It was different because he was the last. This was final. Neither of my kids will ever fully live in my house again. Sure, he will be home for summers and holidays, but he’s now flying on his own. This time I realized his rites of passage was also mine. His rites of passage to becoming an independent man was mine to officially being old. I was in a new, unwelcomed season of life.

 As I have reflected over the past few days about being an empty nester, I have come to realize that being an empty nester doesn’t mean my life is empty. Sure, I am no longer sitting in carpool lines, making lunches, sitting at dance practice, spending weekends at the baseball field, watching recitals or helping with homework, no, that time has passed, but it doesn’t mean I have to live empty. It’s a choice. Live empty or live full. I have decided to live full. Yes, I miss my kids, that will never change. And yes, the house will never be the same but living empty doesn’t really appeal to me. I now have some of the greatest opportunities to focus on people in a way I wasn’t able to do when my house was always running a full court press. I have been given the gift of more free time than I have ever had in my life and I want to make it count. This is where you may want to start praying that my husband, my parents, my in-laws, my friends, my small group, my women’s group and employees at Publix don’t tire of all my newly found free time. Seriously, my hope and prayer are that God will use this time in my life for me to serve and help others; and that maybe, just a little bit of the wisdom I’ve gained and the lessons I’ve learned along the way will benefit those a season behind me. I’ve also decided that anytime I find myself missing my kids, instead of feeling sad, I am going to cover them in prayer. I can’t think of anything better to do for my children than pray for them.

And if I find myself struggling, I’ve got me an empty nester, partner in crime, who will drink a cold one with me, a cold one being a Diet Dr. Pepper, commiserate for a bit and then remind me we are living full! So, bring on the empty nester’s season, I’ve got this!

And for those of you who are still in carpool lines, trying to get white baseball pants white again, trying to figure out new math and making lunches, enjoy every second of it! And I mean ALL of it, because one day soon you will blink, and you will long to be right back where you currently are.